ryancaveney
02-08-2003, 06:58 PM
I like the description of blood abilities "aching to be used."
Overall, a good rewording of the Atlas background material.
One thing that`s missing, though is the original Atlas`s use of Caliedhe
Dosiere as a way to provide uncertainty: since he`s just telling what he`s
heard, over a thousand years after the fact, he might be completely wrong!
I think some explicit statement to that effect should be made at the
beginning of the history section, even if just something like, "Events of
thousands of years ago are uncertain, and many variant interpretations of
history exist. This is the way the humans of Anuire usually tell it."
This is especially important with regard to the extreme focus on
Anuire-specific history: where is el-Arrasi? What of the Brecht League?
This history gives the very strong impression that Anuire is the only
place where anything interesting or important happened, so I think it is
crucial that it be pointed out this summary is the work of an Anuirean.
For one thing, I sincerely doubt any other human group considers the
aggressive, warlike, imperialist conquerer Roele to be a good guy.
Now, some textual quibbles. I promise I will critique more than just
grammar and spelling in future chapters, but in the Introduction there
aren`t any mechanics.
Page 6:
"rules dependent" should be hyphenated.
"lived where the elves and dwarves shunned" -- replace "where" with
"in places", or possibly just "places".
"they raided ... the humanoid encampments" -- the humanoids beseiged
themselves? If you mean "elves` and dwarves` encampments", you need a
different word or words.
Page 7:
In the sentence, "They cleaved to the teachings of Azrai and pour their
energy into preparations for war," "pour" should be "poured".
"Rogue and merchants" should be either "rogue and merchant" or "rogues and
merchants"; the second is consistent with "kings and priests" in the
preceding sentence.
Page 8:
"Death throws" should be "death throes".
Is "Vostian" the proper term? I`d call Belenik "war chief of the Vos
tribes", or maybe just "of the Vos".
Why do you call Rournil "the weaver"? Please avoid introducing
unnecessary FR terminology ("magic" = "the weave") to Cerilia. Just say,
"Ruornil, the high magician of Vorynn."
Page 9:
"found themselves trying to achieve their dreams" is a bit odd -- it makes
it sound as if they started trying in spite of themselves. Better to make
it "at last found themselves with the chance to achieve their dreams."
"The Empire fell apart into so many warring kingdoms." -- drop the "so".
If you want to say "lots and lots", use "dozens" if you can justify it:
exactly how big was the empire at the time of Michael`s death?
Page 10:
"Provinces represent areas of land that in which" -- drop the "that".
I am very much opposed to the expansion of the definition of "lesser
magic", but I`ll leave those comments for the magician class thread.
"for the living can stumble though" should be "or the living can stumble
through."
Ryan Caveney
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Overall, a good rewording of the Atlas background material.
One thing that`s missing, though is the original Atlas`s use of Caliedhe
Dosiere as a way to provide uncertainty: since he`s just telling what he`s
heard, over a thousand years after the fact, he might be completely wrong!
I think some explicit statement to that effect should be made at the
beginning of the history section, even if just something like, "Events of
thousands of years ago are uncertain, and many variant interpretations of
history exist. This is the way the humans of Anuire usually tell it."
This is especially important with regard to the extreme focus on
Anuire-specific history: where is el-Arrasi? What of the Brecht League?
This history gives the very strong impression that Anuire is the only
place where anything interesting or important happened, so I think it is
crucial that it be pointed out this summary is the work of an Anuirean.
For one thing, I sincerely doubt any other human group considers the
aggressive, warlike, imperialist conquerer Roele to be a good guy.
Now, some textual quibbles. I promise I will critique more than just
grammar and spelling in future chapters, but in the Introduction there
aren`t any mechanics.
Page 6:
"rules dependent" should be hyphenated.
"lived where the elves and dwarves shunned" -- replace "where" with
"in places", or possibly just "places".
"they raided ... the humanoid encampments" -- the humanoids beseiged
themselves? If you mean "elves` and dwarves` encampments", you need a
different word or words.
Page 7:
In the sentence, "They cleaved to the teachings of Azrai and pour their
energy into preparations for war," "pour" should be "poured".
"Rogue and merchants" should be either "rogue and merchant" or "rogues and
merchants"; the second is consistent with "kings and priests" in the
preceding sentence.
Page 8:
"Death throws" should be "death throes".
Is "Vostian" the proper term? I`d call Belenik "war chief of the Vos
tribes", or maybe just "of the Vos".
Why do you call Rournil "the weaver"? Please avoid introducing
unnecessary FR terminology ("magic" = "the weave") to Cerilia. Just say,
"Ruornil, the high magician of Vorynn."
Page 9:
"found themselves trying to achieve their dreams" is a bit odd -- it makes
it sound as if they started trying in spite of themselves. Better to make
it "at last found themselves with the chance to achieve their dreams."
"The Empire fell apart into so many warring kingdoms." -- drop the "so".
If you want to say "lots and lots", use "dozens" if you can justify it:
exactly how big was the empire at the time of Michael`s death?
Page 10:
"Provinces represent areas of land that in which" -- drop the "that".
I am very much opposed to the expansion of the definition of "lesser
magic", but I`ll leave those comments for the magician class thread.
"for the living can stumble though" should be "or the living can stumble
through."
Ryan Caveney
************************************************** **************************
The Birthright Homepage: http://www.birthright.net
Birthright-l Archives: http://oracle.wizards.com/archives/birthright-l.html
To unsubscribe, send email to LISTSERV@ORACLE.WIZARDS.COM
with UNSUB BIRTHRIGHT-L in the body of the message.